If I can survive, so can you! For IMMEDIATE HELP call 911!
For help, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (TTY 1-800-787-3224). There you can talk to a professional in complete confidence.
Domestic Violence - What...? Domestic violence may consist of threats, punches or sexual force. The abuse can range from verbal harassment to stabbing and shooting.
Domestic violence is a serious matter. It has often ended in death or permanent physical injury.
Perhaps you are one of the many women looking for a way out. Or perhaps you grew up in an abusive home. Or just the idea of any person being physically harmed by someone who claims to "love"
her infuriates you. For any of these reasons, you want to make it (domestic violence) stop.
Each year 1 million women suffer nonfatal violence by an intimate partner; 4 million American women experience a serious assault by an intimate partner during
an average 12-month period. Nearly 1 in 3 adult women experience at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood.
After six years of marriage, I couldn't put up with the abuse anymore. I asked for a divorce, I couldn't stand anymore.
He said to me, "You're not going to get a divorce". He walked away from me into his office, took a gun, loaded it and walked into our daughter's
bedroom. Our little girl was standing in her crib and he put a gun to one of her ears and then the other hand was over the other ear and he said, "Now tell me that you'll leave me and I'll blow her brains out, and then I'll blow your brains out and then I'll blow my brains out".
I fell at my husband's feet and I said, "Please don't kill my baby".
That's when I decided that I needed to reach out and to talk to someone to tell someone what was happening in our lives because up until that point, it was just a secret.
How many these kind of stories with very different endings we can read from daily newspapers? Yes, far too many. Most of the victims of domestic violence do not open their hearts and talk about the problems they have in their homes, or try to find solutions BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
What is domestic abuse?
There are many forms of domestic abuse, ranging from screaming threats to pushing and shoving. Contrary to what many women think, abuse isn't just physical battering.
Domestic abuse may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family.
Nearly one in three adult women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood, according to the American Psychological Association in a 1996 report.
Domestic abuse does not discriminate against race, age and socioeconomic background. No specific type of woman is more prone to being battered by her partner, nor is one type of woman completely safe from abuse.
What Victims of Domestic Violence Need to Know:
- The abuse is not your fault.
- You don't deserve to be abused.
- You can't change someone who is abusive.
- Staying in the relationship won't stop the abuse.
- With time the abuse always gets worse.
- If you stay, make a plan to keep yourself safe when the abuse happens again.
- You CAN Fight Back!
Signs of Domestic Abuse:
Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of these categories:
- Physical battering: The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder.
- Sexual abuse: Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by or culminates in, sexual violence.
- Psychological battering: The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, and isolating the woman from friends and family. It can also include depriving her of food, money, clothes, and destroying her personal property. Be Prepared!
If you have been assaulted, you can report it to the police:
The Criminal Code says that assault is a criminal offense. The Code describes three types of assault and sets maximum penalties (called sentences) for each type.
The three types of assault are:
- Simple assault (most common assault): Examples are slapping, pushing or shoving, punching or threatening that he or she will harm you or your children.
- Assault with a weapon or causing bodily harm: Examples are an assault where you are beaten with a baseball bat or an assault where you get a black eye or broken bones.
- Aggravated assault (where your life is endangered or you are wounded, maimed, or disfigured): Examples are where the offender threatens to kill you or where your injuries from the assault leave you with a limp or scars.
Warning signs of an Abusive Relationship:
- Are you frightened of your partner's temper?
- Are you often compliant because you are afraid to hurt your partner's feelings or are afraid of your partner's anger?
- Do you have the urge to "rescue" your partner when your partner is in trouble?
- Do you find yourself apologizing to others for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly?
- Have you been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you by your partner when he was jealous or angry?
- Do you make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react?
- Do you drink or use drugs to dull the pain or join your partner so he won't get mad?
- Do you consent easily to your partner to avoid angering him?
What are some of the warning signs?
- He is extremely jealous.
- Wants to know where you are at all times.
- Gets upset if you spend time with friends or family.
- Holds rigid expectations of male/female or adult/child role.
- He expects you to meet his emotional needs.
- Blames others and you for his problems.
- Threatens you with violence.
- There may be many other warning signs; you can phone the nearest Woman's Shelter for further information. Do something before it's too late!
In your contact with any family member, the following observations should be considered clues to the possibility of wife assault.
- A history of wife assault or child abuse in his family of origin.
- A suspicion of child abuse or sexual abuse in his role as a father.
- Abuse of drugs or alcohol.
- A history of suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts.
Such characteristics as:
- Temper tantrums.
- Excessive dependence on his wife.
What do we know about abusers?
- They try to isolate victims from family and friends.
- They minimize and deny their behavior.
- They veil power and control over others.
- They blame victims.
- They distrust others.
- They often have been victims or witnessed abuse.
- They usually have low self-esteem.
- They are not in touch with their own feelings.
Preparing to Leave:
- Keep evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place that is accessible to you.
- Know where you can go to get help; tell someone you trust what is happening to you.
- If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you.
- Make sure that they record your visit.
- Make sure that your children know that it is their job to stay safe, not protect you.
- Keep a journal of all violent incidences.
- Start an individual savings account and have statements sent to a trusted friend.
- Aquire job skills.
- If you must sneak away, leave extra money, extra car keys, important papers, and extra set of clothes for yourself and children with a trusted friend (avoid family members and mutual friends who may be influenced by the abuser).
- Include a list of important numbers (insurance numbers, driver's license, medication, checkbook, credit card numbers, etc.)
- Practice effective Self Defense Tricks... just in case.
What to do when leaving an abusive relationship? If you are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, there are some things you should do that may assist you in the process of leaving:
Make a safety plan:
- Write down Contact Places in the community for support.
- Assess your safety and that of your children.
- Contact a shelter for a safe place to stay.
- Seek interim custody.
- Seek a support system from family, friends and advocates.
- Be prepared - it helps in a case of emergency.
Make an Escape Plan:
- Make sure you have important documents.
- Save money in secret when you can.
- Keep extra keys and clothes with friends.
- Plan out all possible escape routes - doors, first floor windows, elevators, stairwells and rehearse escape routes with your children.
- Arrange a safe place to go such as a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support - or a motel, hotel, or shelter.
- Memorize the telephone number of a domestic violence shelter or call 911.
- Secure transportation.
- Work out a signal system with a friend or other family members so that they know you are in danger.
- Go when he is gone.
- Don't tell him you are leaving.
- Create an excuse to slip away.
- Avoid arguments in areas with potential weapons such as the kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without escape routes.
- When leaving your home, be aware. Your spouse may try to hurt you or stop you from escaping.
- Start to learn self defense techniques immediately!
What can you do if you have been abused?
- You can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse.
- You can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor.
- You can also talk to a support group in your community. Women's centres and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.
You can get medical help:
If you have been hurt you can go to your doctor or to the Emergency Department at a hospital. If your injuries are visible you can have pictures taken. They can be used in court
should you decide to lay assault charges.
There are special medical and police procedures for sexual assault cases. For more information, check the Sexual Assault Department and the law in your country.
You can apply for a peace bond (in the countries where this system exists):
A peace bond or 'recognizance' is a paper signed by a person (such as a spouse) promising to keep the peace and be of good behavior. The peace bond may have other conditions such as requiring the person to stay away from your home or place of work. A peace bond may last for up to one year. The judge decides how long it will last.
You have to go to court to get a peace bond. You do not have to be assaulted to apply nor do you have to lay assault charges. You do have to convince the judge that you have a reasonable fear of the offender. The offender will also be in court.
Finding a Place To Go:
When an assault occurs you should attempt to protect yourself. One way you might do this is to leave the home. If you don't have a friend or family member with whom you can safely stay, and cannot afford a motel, there are shelters in your country which will accommodate you in an emergency. The RCMP or the police, if requested, will escort you out of the family home to any safe place you specify.
If there are no shelters for you in the vicinity, the Salvation Army may be able to provide temporary assistance. It might also be worthwhile to check with the local Crisis Line or Help Line which may be able to provide a list of the organizations that can help during a crisis.
National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotlines:
TDD 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need. Callers can be connected directly to help in their communities, including emergency services and shelters as well as receive information and referrals, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.
This is a vital lifeline to anyone - man, woman or child - who is a survivor of domestic violence, or who suspects that someone they know may be the victim of abuse. Calls to the hotline are confidential, and callers may remain anonymous if
"Cut the cycle of silence." "If I can survive, so can you." "Be Aware and be prepared."
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Reprinted with permission from Caroline Young, a survivor dedicated to helping women to avoid and survive domestic violence. Visit her website http://www.safetyforwomen.com to learn Safety and Self Defense Tricks for Women; Free Download. A great resource! Information presented for educational purposes only.